Anxiety..go fuck yourself.

After spending the majority of the day arguing with my head due to one simple comment i’ve decided things need to change.

My dad made a passing comment that when I post family photos on facebook of days out my little boy is never in them.. no he isn’t.. because he’s at his dad’s. Every weekend. I barely get to see him. And up until now i’ve been petrified to stand up for myself due to his previous abuse I endured – still endure. Something I have learnt is he is a very self absorbed, selfish, malicious piece of work, and he doesn’t care for the fact that I don’t get quality time with my son.

So as of the middle of August, I am telling him I am having HJ one weekend out of two. It will go down like a lead balloon and I can see a massive battle starting and i’m bracing myself for a hurl of abuse. However, I am tired of putting myself on the back burner. I’m tired of seeing my son clung to my leg when I leave for work because he doesn’t get to see his mummy much anymore. I’m not playing the nice ex girlfriend anymore – the push over. The victim. He makes me out to be an unreasonable, nasty piece of work to anyone he gets the opportunity to do so to. So i’m done now.

It’s easy to write it. Its simple to see it in black and white. But right now I feel physically sick. My hands are shaking as I type. I’m dreading the possibility of seeing him tonight when he fetches HJ back because i’m on my own. I’ve never been one to back down to anybody, and I don’t know why he’s so different.

I mean, the worse he can do is take me to court – which he already threatened – so i’ve not much to lose. I’m like a sitting duck. I’m debating saving up and taking him to court myself to get it out of the way. But I think that’s what he wants. He wants me to foot the bill because he is absolutely useless with money, blows it on girls and tattoo’s and sex shops.

If he begins with the abuse, I’m not messing around, I’ll be in contact with legal forces.

I don’t know if this post makes much sense. My head is spinning and all I want is for it all to end. I wish he would just go away and leave me and Hj alone. Sick of him playing Dad of the year.

 

anxiety

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